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Ten days since you passed. I’m standing on your front porch as summer sunlight shimmers through tall trees. A lone feral wraps his tail around his feet as he sits just out of reach in the cool grass. His soft meow vibrates in the silence before he un loops himself and slips away. In this moment I am alone with my thoughts of you. My hand on your front door and my heart aches for what could’ve been, should’ve been…ghosts of beauty in the wreckage you left behind. I see past the chaos to the life you were meant to live. And I love you.
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Morning is hushed light and held breath. The storm outside dissapates in quiet skies. There is silence, but no solace. In this moment I am simply unable to articulate the onslaught of deep emotion and even less equipped to deal with it with the grace I so desire to display. But in this moment - I refrain. I choose to love and attempt to honor my mother who passed away Thursday evening. Her fight, mercifully is over. Mine isn't. And in this moment - I am broken.
I'm not trying to be clandestine. On the contrary - if you know me - you know I will dump my guts at any given moment. But right now its not as much about me as it is about my mom. The same things that torque my shorts about her are the things I also admire. Truth is we are BOTH monsters - and both capable of great compassion. Even though I was basically a good kid - I know I gave her gray hair and sleepless nights. Now she's simply returning the favor. We aren't promised "easy" or "fair." Life is what it is and mom is a survivor. Peace.
Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. This statement is inclusive of one's own personal history to the extent that if we don't learn from our past - the monster will circle around again and eat us. When my dad died, I never truly grieved. I surrendered to the tyranny of the urgent. To a 60 hour work week. To "obligations and promises" and even before that - I allowed everyone else to take care of Ron because he was so well taken care of. I let him go years before his passing because I thought it appropriate to do so. What a load of bovine excrement. I will not do this in my current situation. She is my mother. I am present for the duration . As long as we both draw breath on this orb - I will be there at her side taking care of her. We don't have to like it - or each other. To quote a dear friend, I will do what it "right, just and fair." I know I will eventually grieve - but I will not regret.
She is who she is and I am who I am. She relented, letting me sort a large wooden box full of photos. Yesterday afternoon as I sat surrounding by over a hundred photos from what was probably my grandma’s collection my heart ached. Scant dates and fewer descriptions- I don’t recognize people or places. Yet I know they meant something to Grandma. It is another brutal lesson in legacy. When we pass we will be known by what we leave behind physically and emotionally. Maybe you care little in the moment - but your actions now wait for you and yours. Take care of what you are given. Peace
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TL BOehmDo people blog anymore or is it just me? Archives
January 2023
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