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I’ve refrained from posting the last couple of days in hopes that some beautiful moment of Christmas joy would happen and I would be able to share some light. Instead, as I scrolled through the FB offerings of family and friends I learned that a sweet cousin of mine passed away in November. My encouragement to you is this: forgive- reconcile- and reach out as much as your heart will allow to those you love or loved once….because life is precious, fragile, and so very brief. Peace. 2022. You’ve wreaked enough chaos. I have hope that 2023 will be better. For everyone.
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I wish I could say that this first Christmas - as I plan dinner for two - that this will be the hardest without you at my table. Yet I know the days of carrying you in my heart will not be easy - This Christmas and all the Holidays to follow forever marked by your absence will vary in their moments of sorrow and joy. Grief is a strange, powerful mix of emotions as it ebbs and flows. There will for ever be "bittersweet" in my future. All the years of hope met with disappointment - of that childlike anticipation of joy met with pain - because the holidays brought monsters...it took years banish - to learn to rejoice, to celebrate to be present for my children, my family...my friends. As much as I love and mourn and miss you Mom - that hope of giving you a beautiful Christmas rests in a box with your ashes. The choice is now mine alone to find the light for myself. And I will. Even as I cry and I miss you I will find the joy. I will be grateful for the living. And I will surrender my sorrow ...I will find peace.
So we watched Del Toro's reboot of Pinocchio and I wonder...if Tim Burton and Guillermo Del Toro got together on a project - would I be scarred for life if I watched it? Would the synergy of their energies cause a greater cosmic acceleration than the Hadron Collider? These are the questions that awaken me at 3 in the morning.
So after a month of avoiding the scale like it was a dangly wasp nest - I'm adulting again. And explain to me why - after eating chicken breast, veg, and brown rice for lunch (home cooked, mind you) - that handful of potato chips and bit of dip for dinner caused the thing which shall not be named to redline this morning? My body hangs on to carbs like Smaug hangs on to gold. Husband ate several pieces of candy and I think he scarfed a container of ice cream. Two chocolate covered cherries and a handful of ruffles and I'm up a dress size. I am forced to lament the cold truth that I cannot even TASTE the sweet things remeniscent of Christmas past - without scale breaking consequences. Sorry heart. You just get to be sad. The rest of the body can't go into whale mode just because a chocolate covered cherry really does make one feel better.
I'm seeing a lot of posts regarding being sensitive to those who are triggered - those who are grieving - those who find the holidays lonely, difficult etc. and I get it. I am the adult survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse. I "buried" three family members in the span of three months this summer. I became an empty nester on Thanksgiving. And I have chronic health issues I'm working on. But because I am who I am - I want the Holiday season. I want JOY. I want MAGIC. I want SNOW. I want caroling and gifts and meals shared with family and friends. I want hugs and laughter. The very last thing I want to do is sit alone and remember a past I cannot change and sorrow that I feel at my core. I'm not trying to be escapist. But I want to love on people - to give - and I want that back. My sorrow is because I am alone. Because I feel alone. So yes, be gentle with those who ask - but for THIS girl - throw the party, light the lights, play the music - I'm making posole and queso - I will eat fruitcake - wear your Santa hat - bring on the elves - and most of all - remind me that I am still relevant - a hug, a smile, a stupid joke - all of it. Just no blow up stuff on the lawn. You don't have to share that stuff with me. Peace.
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January 2023
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