ghosts of christmas past

I wish I could say that this first Christmas - as I plan dinner for two - that this will be the hardest without you at my table. Yet I know the days of carrying you in my heart will not be easy - This Christmas and all the Holidays to follow forever marked by your absence will vary in their moments of sorrow and joy. Grief is a strange, powerful mix of emotions as it ebbs and flows. There will for ever be "bittersweet" in my future. All the years of hope met with disappointment - of that childlike anticipation of joy met with pain - because the holidays brought monsters...it took years banish - to learn to rejoice, to celebrate to be present for my children, my family...my friends. As much as I love and mourn and miss you Mom - that hope of giving you a beautiful Christmas rests in a box with your ashes. The choice is now mine alone to find the light for myself. And I will. Even as I cry and I miss you I will find the joy. I will be grateful for the living. And I will surrender my sorrow ...I will find peace.