the tyranny of the urgent

My mom - the good Lord rest her cantankerous hide used to tell me "You'll grunt all day for a 'good girl'" and I was well into my adult years before the crassness of that statement hit me. (think toddler toilet training - she wasn't complimenting me) And as one does - I've allowed that statement to define me - calling it "work ethic" and "responsible" but it isn't any of those things. Its fear. Fear of disappointing others and therefore being alone. Fear of losing income - of losing worth. And while I'm simply not geared to be dismissive of others and how my actions might impact them - I know my angst comes from doing the thing I think I'm supposed to do - and foregoing the things I want to do. I'm weary of waiting for the right time - for "permission" to do what I want to do and what I want to do is write. Finding "time" isn't the issue. At the end of the day - I am weary from "grunting all day", from dealing with things that must be dealt with. I've always worked - I've been blessed to be employed. But all the other stuff right now ... its constipating my brain. I miss my mom and the grief is fresh - but the career and the mourning are only two of many...too too many. "Resist the tyranny of the urgent" - (Marshall Townsley) That is my goal.