today i'm the bug

Some days you're the windshield and some days you're the bug...It crept in on daggered feet yesterday and by the morning my heart is shredded. I miss my mom - but even more I find myself wrecked by the truth of who she was and who she wasn't. I keep searching for that healing memory of her love for me, of her selflessness, of that mother daughter connection...and I cannot find it because it simply does not exist. I do not believe I could have "healed her cancer" just by being her child - but had she considered me - we would have had more time to take care of those things she did hold precious. Love is a choice. And when we chose to love someone who does not or cannot return that love - there will be moments when the truth of it all is devastating.