triggered

I'm seeing a lot of posts regarding being sensitive to those who are triggered - those who are grieving - those who find the holidays lonely, difficult etc. and I get it. I am the adult survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse. I "buried" three family members in the span of three months this summer. I became an empty nester on Thanksgiving. And I have chronic health issues I'm working on. But because I am who I am - I want the Holiday season. I want JOY. I want MAGIC. I want SNOW. I want caroling and gifts and meals shared with family and friends. I want hugs and laughter. The very last thing I want to do is sit alone and remember a past I cannot change and sorrow that I feel at my core. I'm not trying to be escapist. But I want to love on people - to give - and I want that back. My sorrow is because I am alone. Because I feel alone. So yes, be gentle with those who ask - but for THIS girl - throw the party, light the lights, play the music - I'm making posole and queso - I will eat fruitcake - wear your Santa hat - bring on the elves - and most of all - remind me that I am still relevant - a hug, a smile, a stupid joke - all of it. Just no blow up stuff on the lawn. You don't have to share that stuff with me. Peace.